Today a friend wrote to tell me of the hurt caused by siblings who keep attacking him in writing, dragging up his faults and wanting to make him feel guilty for past behaviour. He acknowledges some of the "accusations" but sees no point in dwelling on past mistakes. He certainly does not want to retaliate and point out their faults so prefers to break contact with them for a while.
I replied,
"You must do what you feel is necessary
with regards to the family. I don't know why they feel it
necessary to keep having a go at you and your faults as they see them. If
they think you are such a bad person, why do they even want a close
relationship with you? As an outsider looking in and having lived
40 years of a family feud, I don't know why they can't just let you go and have
whatever contact that arises out of mutual will, not obligation. Keep
above it and don't resort to mud throwing. That will only come back at
you and you have enough to cope with as it is. Keep people in your life
who bring out the best in you now and in the future and encourage you to rise
to the best of your abilities and qualities, not people who want to drag you
down and keep you rooted in the mistakes of the past. We all have them
but don't need to be constantly reminded of our worst attributes. If they
don't want to grow and build something positive, that is their loss."
I once attended a seminar where every time we committed the offence of shaming, blaming or justifying ourselves or someone else, in the room or otherwise, we popped a Pound coin into a collection pot for charity. Think about that. It might stop you in your tracks.
