"When was the last time you experienced a crisis? Did it seem like it was the end of the world? The length of time it takes for you to recognize your outer crisis as a blessing correlates with your degree of wisdom. Crisis is ultimately blessings. Whenever a door shuts, a window opens. Wisdom is instantaneously seeing both sides." - Dr John Demartini
Friends are so valuable. I have a tendency to feel lonely, living alone with my sons in the middle of the woods where it is far too quiet for me. But over the last weeks since my relationship break-up I have learned so much from my friends, on the telephone but particularly the virtual friends on Facebook, Skype and MSN Messenger. We have shared a depth of communication about what is really important. I have been blessed by conversations with people I had hardly spoken to before. There truly are angels in this world. Everyone sees the world slightly differently according to their own beliefs, attitudes, values and experiences. This is what we NLP-ers call the deletion, distortion and generalization of the Reticular Activating System. (See NLP Belgium)
When I was hurting and lost in the grief, I could only see what I had lost, what would now never be. By holding on to what I was missing, I allowed only pain to be present in my heart. My friends, of course, did not feel my pain but in their love for me, they shared their wisdom. Not the flippant but well-meant, “Pick yourself up. Plenty more fish in the see.” Yes, fish but also sharks. When your heart is full of pain you cannot imagine there could ever be anyone else who would suit so perfectly as the lost love.
“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” - Shakespeare
My wise friends allowed me to talk about the pain and loss because they knew it is the best way to work through the grief. But more, they shared quotes, recommended books and gave me self-discovery exercises to do to gain perspective on the relationship. I thought he was my soulmate and maybe he still is but we are not meant to be together at this time. What I thought was perfect I now see differently.
I see that I gave him my power. I acted as I thought he wanted. Instead of being the outgoing, sociable person that I am, the High Yellow, I settled down to domesticity, cooking every night and watching TV on the sofa. I said that I did not need anyone else and that I was happy with just his company. No more need to date, no more nights out in bars or clubs. I thought that was so superficial.
But now I see that I thrive with people. Social networking is important to me. He rejects all of that, does not even want to be one of the 350 million on Facebook.
On Friday, my birthday, I went out to dinner in an international group of 18 of which I only knew 3 people. I had some really interesting conversations, learned about cultural differences. At midnight, instead of going home to sleep with my boyfriend, I went to a new bar with four new friends: 1 South African, 1 Belgian and 2 Finns. I had never previously met someone from Finland. I thought I would feel lonely on my birthday without my ex but instead I had a fantastic evening and left at 3am. On Thursday I shall go to a Gala Cocktail party with 120 people of 37 nationalities. The possibilities are now endless.
I realize too that he was crushing my dream, causing me to doubt my ability to fulfil my vision and mission in life. He can only see life from his model of the world like most people but by limiting his contacts with the world and understanding other people’s way of being and doing, he also could not appreciate that our differences bring necessary balance. Yin and Yang in everything. Where he saw differences, I see rich variety.
The door to my ex is firmly shut because he wants to break all contact. That is sad and unnecessary but that is where he is at, cutting himself off from all social contact. His door is shut but I now have so many windows open.
A big thank you to my wise friends who sent me virtual tissues when I needed them. They kept telling me what a strong and amazing woman I am but I couldn’t see it. I no longer ‘need’ the love of my ex to make me complete because friends have poured out their love to me helping me to love myself in a way that will protect me. I no longer feel lonely in my house because I am surrounded by books full of experiences, inspirational videos on YouTube containing lessons I still have to learn. How much more interesting than sitting in front of the TV every night! I am saying yes to invitations and connecting with others but also enjoying staying in with my own company.
Our point of power is always in this moment. Instead of anticipating our heart’s desire in the future, we create it in the NOW because the NOW is all we have. The past and future are just illusion, our perception. By sharing my NOW with others, I hope, and in fact know, that others will also find strength and hope. I remain an optimist.
My previous posts:
Sadness Does Not Last Forever – Time to Move On
Bring the Light of Consciousness Into Your Pain
You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore
The Pain When Your Soulmate Leaves You
©Antonia Harrison 2009 from Personal Development in the 21st Century and Antonia Harrison's Blog. Antonia Harrison is the English Hypnotherapist in Belgium and Personal Development speaker giving workshops to groups and companies.